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From wallflower to federal prosecutor and law firm partner, learning a thing or two about drinking along the way.
I grew up in a small town and as an extremely shy kid. I let my shyness chart my path for a while, dropping college courses that required public speaking. When I had to speak in public, I battled nerves to the point of nausea, tears, and nightmares.
But then I got the wild idea to become a lawyer. Not just any lawyer, but a trial lawyer who would have to stand up in court and argue before judges and juries. A world full of stress, adrenaline, and heavy drinking.
Fast forward to 2010, and I joined the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Manhattan, the celebrated office that brings the highest profile cases and is the subject of the show, “Billions.” Everyone seemingly had a better resume, more sophistication, and more confidence than me. And nearly everyone drank scotch or bourbon.
I thought that if I did, too, I would feel like—or at least seem like—a tough Manhattan prosecutor instead of the awkward girl from small town Pennsylvania. So began a decade of using drinking to play the part of a prosecutor, manage stress, and energize me for the second shift when I arrived home at night.
At some point I felt like I had an internal alarm going off at the end of every day, telling me it was time to drink. I felt trapped and alone, as asking for help felt like career suicide. We hear lots of drunken antics stories, but very few quitting drinking stories.
I read everything I could that might help me quit on my own. I tried different methods, I connected, little by little, with people online and mostly overseas and therefore at a safe distance from my life. I searched for documentaries and stories of people who drank like me and changed.
Throughout my career I saw that stories, more than arguments, change minds and change lives. I looked for years to see myself in someone else’s story and give me hope.
Had I found that story earlier, I would have quit earlier. That’s why I’m sharing my story now. But while one story can give people hope, many stories can make a movement. If we all told our stories about how the drinking culture failed us and how we want or found a better way, we could transform the culture for ourselves and for the next generation of lawyers. Let’s start now.
Your weekly dose of real stories, screwups, studies, advice, and lessons learned to keep you moving forward.
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