When I was still drinking, one part I was committed to playing was that of the casual, moderate drinker. Maybe you can relate to this. To always have alcohol available when you want it, yet try to appear totally nonchalant, as if you could take it or leave it.

On vacation, we’d arrive at a rental property, and I’d ask whether we should get “supplies” as if it were the most casual thought in the world.  “Should we pick up a little something?” Sometimes I’d also stick a little extra something in my carryon bag in case we’d arrive too late to get supplies or in case we were staying some place where there wouldn’t be alcohol, or enough alcohol. I always had to have it, that easy way to erase the edges of the day.

Maybe I’d have a drink or two with my husband and then sneak another drink or two when he was busy doing something else and the kids were in bed.

I thought I was poised.  Work was good, kids were good, and I almost never had more than two or three drinks when out with colleagues, not a lot by lawyer standards. (And then I might arrive home and say, “oh what I long day I’ve had! I could use a drink!”)  Even though I had internal alarm that went off around the same time nearly every night, I spent more and more energy to seem normal.  To seem like I was NOT constantly thinking about drinking--when I could drink, how much, whether I was moderating, and whether I appeared to be moderating.

That is the exhaustion of make-believe moderation. And that place, stuck in make-believe moderation, not able to really talk about it, was a scary and lonely place to be. If that’s where you are now, understand that there are so many avenues where you can reach out and talk about it anonymously if that’s the best option for you. And you can write me. It gets so much better when you just connect with one person. You’ve outgrown the part of the make-believe moderator. You’re ready for a new role and I want to help you take that on.