Day 303.
Met up with a friend last night who never knew my drinking was an issue(or at least so she says!) but has been supportive and asked how it was going with the alcohol free thing. I realized I hadn’t really shared much in detail to anyone outside of small groups of people doing the same thing, and had instead just given quick updates “feeling great, sleep is great.” I was a little surprised by how it all came flooding back and how RELIEVED I felt. So what did I say it’s like?

●    When traveling somewhere (like to see my in laws) where the host doesn’t drink, I no longer stress out about what I’m going to do for those few days, and no longer dash to the liquor store and stash a little bottle of bourbon in my luggage to get me through the visit.  I hated doing that.

●    When going out to dinner, I no longer have to rush to get in a few drinks and get my buzz on before the food comes. I can focus on the food and conversation.

●    I no longer have to act like my decision to have a drink or buy alcohol is a totally casual, “ACTUALLY, now that I think about it, I WILL have a drink!” When in fact, it was like an alcohol alarm going off in my head that I was desperate to shut off.

●    I no longer feel like a “lazy evening parent,” one who settles into the couch with a drink and then feels complain-y (whether expressed or not) when the kids need something after I’ve started to disappear into the glass. Now I offer them tea every evening, offer to make cookies at random (somehow it always feels like a celebration when you ask, “does anyone want me to make chocolate chip cookies?”) and am ready to handle the last minute “oh I have a project due tomorrow” or whatever else comes up at night with a lot more presence and patience.

●    I no longer worry about my health.

●    I no longer avoid having my picture taken. (I still don’t know why I did this. Did I think the drinking showed? Was it shame? I don’t know, but it was weird and I’m glad to be in more photos.)

●    I no longer have my “aging drinker dreams,” these recurring bad dreams I’d have about my hair falling out, my teeth falling out, and my eyelashes falling out.

●    And of course, I no longer do the ole routine of dumping the bottles out in the morning, feeling awkward about the recycling, and then dashing to the liquor store again by evening, while telling myself some ridiculous story about how it’s normal and I’ll just have one or two.

Finally, I no longer worry about dying early and devastating my kids and husband. That’s the worst fear of all, isn’t it? I think that’s why I had Sia’s “Bird Set Free” on nearly constant loop the first few months. That pleading, “I don’t wanna die” in the song, then the feeling of being set free, and learning how to really live again.

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I feel so free. I want to really live. REALLY live, in a way I’ve never been able to asan adult, because of (first) insecurities and then later, alcohol.