Job change coming up; I turned in my old work phone and went back to an older personal phone and found a note to myself from January 2018 that said this:

“Health reminders”

·        Think of missed moments with kids

·        Role model

·        Tingling in fingers, damage

·        Can reverse now but not later

·        Career impact

·        Feel amazing and help others

·        Meditate, pray, listen to music

·        Listen to Unbeatable Mind podcast

What was I doing? I was secretly trying to tell myself to STOP DRINKING and giving myself reasons why and tips to help, and I was doing it totally privately, under an innocuous title in my phone notes. It took me almost three more years to figure things out. I was sincere, and I wanted it, but I just couldn’t quite figure out HOW without (in my mind) jeopardizing other things by “asking for help.” That quiet, lonely panic and desperation is recorded in moments that I see from time to time, and I feel so relieved and grateful that I finally found the right tools to move forward.

I was just going about it all wrong. I didn’t have a system but would just list out reasons to stop. “Think of this! Think of that! Listen to some former Navy SEAL talk about being mentally tough!” I remember I was experiencing a strange tingling in my fingertips, looked it up and feared it was some kind of alcohol-related nerve damage. Whatever it was is long gone now.

What I was doing was the start of something, but I should have sat down and written out all the way the drinking was hurting me, all the things I wanted and envisioned for myself as a non-drinker, and then had a daily regimen to change my habits and rewire my brain. All those briefs detoxes made me feel a bit better but I really needed help to keep it going. I just didn’t know how and kept thinking if I were tough enough, I could do it on my own. Hence the Navy SEAL podcasts. But of course, it wasn’t enough to listen to Navy SEALS talk about being tough! In the end, all that really did was make me feel weak.