Day 360.
So many thoughts. First, I have my system down for new work stresses when I’m feeling urges: good playlist for commute, come home, take cold shower, change into comfy workout clothes, and stretch and make a cup of tea. Easy, quick, but enough to reboot and shift focus too self-soothing. Whenever I get restless, I want the protocol to be automatic.

Knew I’d have a tough memorial service today so got in a good waterfront sunny and cold workout, and cold shower. The service involved a ton of tears, and in the socializing afterwards several former colleagues asked me about my alcohol-free streak, and again commented, “I couldn’t do it, or if I did, I’d be miserable.” I don’t want that to be me ever again, I want to be the person who helps others through, so I’m definitely continuing on past a year.

I also was thinking about how, for me, alcohol was so much about numbing, and as a kid you never or rarely seek to numb your pain; you seek soothing, either from a parent or friend or yourself. And I think I’d lost that ability to soothe myself when I started drinking, and that’s what returns without it. I make a cup of tea, talk to a friend or family member, climb into bed and hug my pillow, and so on. It’s such a better way to be, more connected, and taking steps to alleviate pain rather than just blocking it momentarily and have it come roaring back. I needed soothing to night, and I was able to get it, unlike past years in which I would have wanted to disappear, only to wake up feeling wrecked and alone in my pain.