Day 219.
My daughter had a friend sleep over last night, and I didn’t have to think about whether it was ok to drink or not, and if so how much was ok. I’ve been thinking more and more about the freedom I feel, and about how high the highs are now. I don’t even know why they are so high, but my good days are REALLY REALLY good lately, and this week I felt full of life each day. Health wise I feel great and went to the doc for my first check up in 3 years and all tests were aces. My mood is generally sunny and 70 (still with the occasional hurricane of irritability or tears, which could be hormones). But I just feel this huge sense of RELIEF. SUCH RELIEF. So set free.

It really does feel like being released from house arrest (not that I have personal experience with that, but my clients have). You can seem to the world pretty fine while on house arrest—can go about your day, go to work, seem high functioning, but you are always aware of that electronic monitor on your ankle. If it requires that you be back at home by 6, you never lose sight of the fact that you need to get home by 6 or else risk a violation that could land you in jail. That 6 pm alert RUNS YOU. That ankle bracelet is something you want to hide when you interact with other people, hide the mark that you have this secret. You of course don’t want to “look like” a “criminal,” because people will then react very differently toward you.

I didn’t “look like” someone with a problem—no DUIs, no fights, no benders, no public episodes, no noticeable falling down on the job or the parenting.  But if you saw the empty bottles in certain places, it was like spotting my monitor. The sheer number of bottles, the empties in my dresser drawer, in my laptop bag, in my purse. I was so good at hiding those because they were the tip off that I was not the one in control, and that drinking RAN ME.

That witching hour was just like the 6 pm alert—my God I had to be home or somewhere else where I could have something to “take the edge off” without anyone knowing that I desperately had to make that cut off or I’d become as anxious as if an alarm were about to go off. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO ALCOHOL??”  Oh, I mean, very casually, “Hm, you know I feel like a little drink tonight, don’t you? I’ll just step out and get something…”. Only then was I secure for the night.

That freedom has been really sinking in this week, how much it means to me. I feel like my old fake world is about to shatter into a million pieces, and I’m so ready for that. I’m free. The monitor is off and I never want it back. I’m just free.