Today I had a big day professionally, an interview requiring heels and suit dress and all the pre-pandemic gussying up.

On my way to the interview, I had the automatic thought that I always always had previously—how I was going to hit the bourbon to unwind later. It hit like a memory habit and then passed—not even a craving exactly, just a thought out of habit.  But I ran this morning to manage the adrenaline, then came home and unwound with the family, who all wanted to hear about it (even the 14 year old!) and then made ice cream sodas for the kids, a nice cream sundae for myself and relaxed on the couch with a bit of bad tv while the kids and husband played some video games together.

I’m still struck by how unthinkable it was a year ago that I could unwind after a big adrenaline day without booze and without obsessing on it.  I used to disappear into the bottle. Even if I was having a conversation, I was mostly in my own head, waiting for the edges of the day to blur and soften. Tonight I connected and enjoyed the ice cream without thinking about whether the food would slow down the buzz. The end result was so much more satisfaction and an evening of family time that will be a clear rather than blurry memory.

And after I got ready for bed, my husband came up and told me how extremely proud of me he was. He said he even felt the urge to go buy a bottle of something, and figured it was really on my mind, and was a little surprised at how I sailed through the evening.