Yesterday was day 365, and I feel a little overwhelmed, so here are some my thoughts on how it went for me, in no particular order:

●    I feel a million times better. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Literally all of my health metrics are better, and the various aches and pains of quarantine are gone. Not necessarily only because of being alcohol free, but also because that one step led to other positive habits and changes.

●    I’d taken shorter breaks from alcohol and felt great, but they weren’t long enough to build new habits and systems. For me the value of going a year was that it gave me time to learn how to navigate so many different situations that would have previously involved drinking—celebrations, grieving, business trips, vacations, holidays, etc. It built a whole new level of emotional resilience for me.

●    I don’t miss it anymore. I certainly remember enjoying bourbon in particular, and still like the smell andlook of a backlit bottle, but very rarely actually want a drink.

●    I’m relieved that I stuck with it through the initial phase of restlessness. At first certain situations were just uncomfortable, as I didn’t know what else to drink, or how to unwind after certain workdays or business travel in particular. It takes time to pick up new habits, and for dopamine levels reset, but it does happen. I sleep so much better, and everything just feels easier somehow. I can just manage so much more without getting overwhelmed or irritable.

●    All of that said, just know that there will be times when everyone else has a beautiful drink and you will be handed a red plastic cup with water or seltzer, and it will feel lonely and stupid that you are doing this. Or you will be in a restaurant and ask for a mocktail, and the server will suggest making you a Shirley Temple. That happened to me on my birthday! And in that moment, I just wanted to not be different, to not deal with the logistical hassle of getting something nonalcoholic that still felt like a birthday treat. But that frustration or craving or whatever becomes much less frequent over time, and rarely lasts more than an hour, and the next morning when I woke up rested, I was so happy my momentary annoyance didn’t lead to drinking. 

●     I’m surprised that I now have zero desire to resume drinking. I like my life, and I like myself, so much better now. I can soothe myself so I don’t have to numb myself, and I can enjoy the rush of endorphins and adrenaline full force without alcohol.

I feel so freaking free. I want to scream it from my Brooklyn balcony like an absolute lunatic. It’s a huge thing to be “middle aged” and to really change your life.  And as I’ve said before, what kept me going at times was wanting to meet the version of myself who was one-year AF. I never thought past that, and now I’m so grateful to be able to.