Two years since I started on this, and wanted to reflect again. One of the quotes from “Atomic Habits” that really stood out to me was this:

“The greatest threat to success is not failure but boredom.  We get bored with habits because they stop delighting us. The outcome becomes expected.  And as our habits become ordinary, we start derailing our progress to seek novelty.”

It helps me to zoom out periodically and remind myself of the then and now. Because this is my new normal, it’s easy to stop appreciating how much better it is living without that nagging fear that invaded so many aspects of my life.

Looking back through my writings and reflecting on my old day to day, I’ve given up  shame, secrecy, nightmares, anxiety around the path I was on. No more worries about whether I could stop/who would find out if had a problem/whether my kids would notice. What I’ve gained instead is a kind of sure-footedness and clarity, self confidence, much improved health and fitness, better relationships with everyone, better finances, better mental health.

Yesterday my 15 yo called me after school about a decision she needed to make. I said it was up to her, and she said, “but you’re my guiding force.” I continued to give my perspective on the situation, but whenever I have a moment like that I think about how my choice two years ago gave me that moment. Had I continued drinking, would that call have even happened? Or would she see me as distracted and unreliable, half listening and then forgetting the conversation over my glass of bourbon?

I also was thinking about how my business travel has changed. In two weeks I have a work trip to Miami, and I suddenly had a flashback to my last work trip to Miami. It was about six years ago, I landed and checked into my hotel and immediately (because it was around 6) had 3-4 bourbons with my very light meal (so as not to interfere with the buzz). A couples of hours later, I learned that the meeting/interview that I was there for was canceled, so I was “free” of obligations. I was too embarrassed to return to the hotel bar, but I wanted to re-up the buzz, so I went out to some nearby drug store and got one of those four packs of mini wine bottles. I proceeded to go back to my room and drink two of them. There was nothing sophisticated or romantic about it. I didn’t go out and explore, and don’t even remember what the weather was like. And the next day I flew back hungover. That’s my entire memory of the trip. And although that one is particularly bleak, I have many other business trip memories that are crowded out by the recollection that once my “obligations” were done, I “unwound” into a buzzy numbness. That was how I took full advantage of being in the business travel space-time warp, free of family responsibilities. I flew out, worked worked worked, drank drank drank, flew home.

Last week I flew to Paris to speak at a conference. Part of the conference included a dinner cruise on the Seine. I was only there for about 48 hours total. My talk was first thing in the morning, so I know exactly what I would have done when that ended in the past. This time I ran miles around the city after my talk, around the Eiffel Tower and down the Seine. I found a Moroccan sauna place, explored bakeries and other eateries on my own. I socialized and enjoyed the dinner cruise. And I flew home, caught up with my family, got to bed, and woke up and ran again the next morning. No wine. No bourbon. Just beautiful memories.  It was a blast. And this is how many of my business trips are now—even if I’m busy, I do what I can to punctuate the trip with a new adventure and memory.  

There is a whole world of experiences waiting for you once you put down the bottle. You will miss it in the beginning, sure, but it doesn’t last. You will be captivated by all that you become capable of. I wish I could sit with the me of six years ago and tell her it was going to be ok, that she deserves so much more, and be there with her as she tried to move out of the fog.  

Keep moving forward. It’s worth it.