Day 362.

Back around Christmas 2015 my husband got me a “wonder woman” journal, and I half-heartedly journaled for a couple years about some goals and the progress I was making (or not making). So, I wanted to share this page from the end of an entry I made in May 2016, over five years ago.

The journal makes me a little sad to read because I see everything framed in terms of better health, but the desperation around my inability to really control my drinking is clear, as something about quitting / cutting down appears as a goal in entry after entry after entry.

Also, for those of you who see others rolling upon one year and wondering “what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?” Remember that this was not one year in the making, it was maybe 6-8 years in the making. Nearly every day in that five-year period I woke up wanting to be healthy, and to NOT DRINK, or not more than a glass or two. I just couldn’t execute, didn’t have the right systems, whatever. I had bits and pieces of a plan—I’d add in tea in the evenings, list out goals haphazardly, meditate here and there, but couldn’t get off the ground.

What I never want to forget as I hit 365, NEVER EVER EVER, is how excited I was, over five years ago, just to think about how great I’d feel after a WEEK, or (gasp!) maybe even a MONTH (!!) without alcohol. I don’t think I went a full week without alcohol until 2019, and didn’t go a full month until early 2020.

I never want to forget what prison was like, and never want to take freedom for granted.